if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
