His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
What drink are we having for lunch?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
