If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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