I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
