I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
