Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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