Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
