What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
