I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I intend to get homeless drunk
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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