I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize