theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
