You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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