I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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