Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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