everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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