and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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