I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize