apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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