You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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