I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
