Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
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