The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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