Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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