someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
