I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
