Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
