Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize