So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
