His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
