if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
