paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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