if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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