I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I just made out with a guy for $7.
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
