You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
