Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Randomize
