Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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