I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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