I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
