Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
