So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
