He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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