from now on my penis is your penis
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
