my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
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