Sry I called you an 8
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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