I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
