took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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