mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
