I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
