just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
