she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
