New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
