It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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