We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
