I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
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