there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
