I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
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